Relationships that are Transformational, not Transactional

Hello Friends!!

Today is Thankful Thursday and for a lot of you out there, the last day of school is quickly approaching!!  I know my kids and I are so Thankful for SUMMER!!!  

As I am anticipating more time with my kids, and my summer goal of being more connected and present with them, my thoughts keep returning to a concept I learned a few years ago which I find to be super powerful.  It is the principle of transformational relationships vs. transactional relationships. As I’ve been getting my Powerful Parenting Program put together, I’ve spent even more time studying and contemplating this topic.  Then, as I tuned in to one of my favorite podcasts just this morning, “The Brooke Snow Podcast”, she was talking about this same principle.  When things keep showing up for me in strong ways, I know they are important.  So, on this beautiful Thursday, as school is wrapping up and summer is on our doorstep, I am so thankful for the framework that striving to achieve transformational relationships gives me for interacting with my loved ones and fulfilling my roles of Mother, Wife and Friend. I hope this inspires you to strive to eliminate transactional relationships and lean into transformational ones.

Transactional relationships are based on a transaction.  You give me this and I will give you that.  Tit for Tat.  Transactional relationships are concerned with behaviors, perceptions, accomplishments and performance.  In a transactional relationship we keep score and have a tendency to make our love and acceptance contingent on certain behaviors.  It is an attitude of, “My house, my rules”.  There is judgment, and focus on “the law”. It a “My way or the highway” mentality. Transactional relationships often create checklists where you earn certain rewards based on certain tasks you perform.  In transactional relationships, there’s a perception of “It’s my right to fix your performance; It’s my duty to ensure your outcomes; it’s my obligation to make sure you have certain behaviors”.  This transactional love and acceptance tells the other person that their feelings, emotions and opinions don’t really matter.  As this attitude continues, the other person begins to harbor resentment against us and rebellion often ensues.  With transactional relationships the task, or the behavior, or the performance becomes more important than the person. Oh it is so easy to fall into transactional types of relationships, but these relationships never lead to a strong or deep connection.  They are superficial.

If we really want to touch hearts and change lives, Transformational relationships are the key!!  They are called transformational because once this type of a relationship is developed, people transform, growing and changing in powerful ways. 

Transformational relationships are created when we let go of the outcomes and focus on the heart. Mother Teresa said, “Intense love doesn’t measure, it just gives.” Grace and Mercy are required if we are to create transformational relationships.  When building a transformational relationship, the task or behavior may not get done how we had hoped, and it may not look good in the process, but the thing that is paramount is that there is unconditional love regardless of the result.  In a transformational relationship, we let go of controlling the other person or trying to coerce, manipulate or force them into doing something someway, and simply accept the other person, regardless of what they are doing.  We maintain high standards and consequences if necessary, but focus on compassion, understanding and connecting despite behaviors and outcomes.  

Transformational relationships are developed by living from mantras like: “Get curious not furious”; ”Get fascinated not frustrated”; and “Understand, don’t reprimand”.  With transformational relationships, at the point when the child deserves your love the least, that is when they need it the MOST, and it is freely given despite the challenging situation. Transformational relationships allow the other person to own their journey.  We trust them to figure it out using their process.  It is so important with transformational relationships that we remember mistakes are necessary, not negative. When our loved ones mess it up,  only then will they figure it out and grow.  Transformational relationships understand that our kids will mess up in the exact way they need to in order to grow and nothing has gone wrong if they fail.  This allows us to tarry with each child, holding space for them and allowing them to have whatever emotions they need to have without stepping in to fix or solve it for them. 

Remember these catchy phrases to help you avoid acting transactional and to assist you in acting Transformational: Ask don’t assume, be careful not crushing, and work on connecting before correcting. 

There is a popular saying that really sums up transformational relationships, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” 

If we are landing in a transformational place, we choose to believe the best in the other person. We focus on the positive things they are doing- on their strengths and talents.  We live from an abundant mentality of there is more than enough time/resources/ability etc. to figure out any issue.  The power of a transformational relationship lies in our ability to instill our faith into the other person, that they are worthy and good enough, even if they screw up. 

 The reason these relationships are transformational is because they inspire transformational changes in behaviors. Jeffery Holland put it this way, “If you love them today, maybe you can teach them tomorrow.”  By establishing this type of genuine relationship, even our prickly kids will soften and be drawn to us. The fact is LOVE WINS- every time!!  Charity never fails.  No one can resist sustained unconditional love. Over time, transformational relationships eventually open our loved ones up to our influence, where they want to do things according to our vision because of the genuine love that exists between .  Strong transformational relationships inspire transformational changes.  May we strive to create transformational relationships with all those we love!!

I’m thankful this Thursday for transformational relationships and pray my relationships with all the important people in my life will be transformational!!

What are you thankful for this Thursday? 



Candice Noss


My new Powerful Parenting course started Monday, with our first coaching call tomorrow.  If you want to join, this would be the very last opportunity to jump in!!  I have a few spots left- Let’s kick mom guilt to the curb and step in to our greatness when it comes to the most important calling we will ever have- being a MOM. Click here to join.